Catching a Cheater

Fellow dating friends,

My guess is we all agree that we are not interested in cheaters, right?

Let’s talk about one of my more recent dates to see what we can learn together about catching a cheater… As far as I know, this is a first for me. It speaks to the increasing moral breakdown of our society when it comes to dating… and I hope we can learn together from it. That’s my goal.

I met a Christian man online. After writing for a bit and then having a phone call, he asked me to go on a date. I canceled our date when he said he wanted to bring his 9-year old son. That was not the way I wanted to meet him for the first time (or his son)!

The next six months were interesting. He was persistent. He connected now and then, letting me know he was thinking of me and wondering if I’d change my mind.” Sometimes I responded and other times I did not.

Over the next few months he continued to pursue me to let me know he wondered if God had reserved us for one another. He said he was praying a lot about us. Here is what was odd though; he didn’t seem to have time to get together because of his second job and he would get back to me when he was more available. It took him two to three months to actually plan a date. That was a flag to me and I let him know I was no longer interested and moving on.

This is where he got to me. He apologized, said he would make the relationship a priority if we connected well and he asked me to give him one date to see what God was up to. He insisted that God was prompting him and he actually made a date. We got together and enjoyed ourselves and he asked me to go out again. I was not available when he asked so I suggested another day. This also was odd; he said I took him by surprise and he would need to think about it and get back to me. The next day he did get back to me and said he would take off work the next day to have lunch with me. I said that sounded good. I also asked him for his last name but he did not respond on two occasions. This also seemed odd. I let him know I was uncomfortable with not having his last name. He made a joke, said it was a fun adventure and that he would give it to me over lunch. I said to him that I was concerned and not having fun. He sent his last name.

When I looked him up, I found all sorts of picture of him on Facebook with a woman, and I found the same on her Facebook page. I let him know that I saw the pictures and he said they were just friends and he still hung out with her. I said that they looked like more than friends, that I didn’t want to get in the middle of their relationship, and that I was canceling our date. He said he would not contact me again. I confronted him on his bad behavior and let him know I would make this known to his pastor to hold him accountable.

Here is what I learned, see if it helps you:

  • A lack of availability is a cause for a pause; someone who is available and interested will want to get together sooner than later
  • A push/pull is a cause for a pause; look for consistency, not hot and cold
  • A disconnect between someone’s words and actions is a cause for a pause; when the person is expressing interest and that God is in this but not following through with getting together, something is not right
  • A withholding of information is a cause for pause; get a last name on the first date or sooner then look do your research. In this online world of dating, this is wise
  • Address bad behavior for your own mental and emotional health and potentially for the mental and emotional health of others; don’t be a victim of bad behavior and don’t hide from addressing it. Create a better world by speaking the truth in love and with respect when you experience bad behavior

What have you learned from my story or from your own similar stories? Let’s help each other grow by sharing our learning together in a positive way to move forward

Dr. Jeanine Parolini, PhD, MBA, MA

Phone: 651-295-6044
Email: jparolini@gmail.com
Website: www.JeanineParolini.com
Social Media: linkedin.com/in/jeanineparolini or facebook.com/jeanine.parolini

SEXI Video 5: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the I in SEXI

In Dr. Jeanine Parolini’s explanation of the I in SEXI, she discusses the importance of common interests to keep the relationship fresh and alive. Developing common interests over the long haul in a relationship also leads to a fulfilling romance and is part of a passionate sex life. Let’s put the important time into developing common interests rather that moving too quickly into hooking up within a surface relationship.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What are the key common interests that you would like to share in a relationship to keep it fresh, alive, fulfilling and romantic?

For further information see: https://www.jeanineparolini.com/ or https://www.jeanineparolini.com/dating-and-relating/

SEXI Video 4: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the X in SEXI

In this 4th video of the series, Dr. Jeanine Parolini discusses the importance of communication and chemistry in Christian dating and in developing a real relationship. A spiritual and emotional connection, along with good communication and chemistry, are what support a long term passionate sexual relationship. This is quite different than what is going on in today’s dating world where surface relationships quickly turn into sexual relationships that end up hurting more than helping couples. Let’s put the time and effort in to develop something more real and fulfilling than that!

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What do you think of the connection between communication and chemistry and how will you watch out for them with your future dates?

For further information see: https://www.jeanineparolini.com/ or https://www.jeanineparolini.com/dating-and-relating/

SEXI Video 3: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the E in SEXI

Dr. Jeanine Parolini continues to explain her SEXI model of Christian dating by discussing the E. She shares how to develop and assure there is an emotional connection to establish a healthy, safe, and trusting relationship, which goes beyond today’s surface and hook up relationships.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What do you need from your partner to feel emotionally connected and how will you go about assessing it with future dates?

For further information see: https://www.jeanineparolini.com/ or https://www.jeanineparolini.com/dating-and-relating/

SEXI Video 2: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the S in SEXI

Dr. Jeanine Parolini explains the S in her SEXI model of Christian dating which represents developing a spiritual connection around a common set of values. The spiritual aspect of a relationship impacts all areas of the relationship. At the heart level, most human beings want to feel safety and trust in relationships which requires a level of common values and morals. This is needed to develop a real relationship. Yet our dating world has become completely the opposite with surface level relationships, deception and quick hook ups.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: How important is the spiritual aspect of a relationship to you, and how will you go about checking it out with future dates?

For further information see: https://www.jeanineparolini.com/ or https://www.jeanineparolini.com/dating-and-relating/

SEXI Video 1: Dr Jeanine Parolini on SEXI Model Intro

Dr. Jeanine Parolini introduces her Christian dating model based upon her research that involves developing a real relationship inclusive of connecting spiritually, emotionally, with good communication and chemistry, and in common interests. Protect your heart from the pain of surface relationships and quick hook ups in order to develop a real relationship and true love.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What is your initial response to the SEXI model? How can it help you as you date?

Diverse Unity

The truth is that my life after Christ has been more segregated than my life before Christ. I was born in the inner-city of Chicago. My friends around me at the time were all ethnically diverse. I didn’t know any different. My family was forced out of our neighborhood and we went to live in an area of the city that was mostly white. In my childlikeness, I felt less safe in the new neighborhood than in my old one.

I want to get back to that childlikeness. I grew up interacting with all different types of people. When I became a Christian, something changed and I’ve found myself in mostly Caucasian churches, although I have ministered in ethnically diverse churches. I don’t understand how I got here.

I want more. I don’t want our differences to interfere with our unity. Can we have both?

Read Revelation 7:9-17. Every human heart needs to wrestle with this vision. What does it mean to be different yet be unified?

Can we learn more about one another’s nations, tribes, people groups, and languages now before we get to heaven? We need to notice skin color, accent, and one another’s unique features and celebrate them. It seems that heaven acknowledges these uniqueness. What would it take for us to celebrate and be curious about them?

In the midst of our differences, can we still bond around our similarities? In heaven, we are unified by our similar clothing, the waving of palm branches, and our identification with Christ in worship and redemption. We may need to save the wearing of white robes for heaven; in my present form, white is not my best color. At the same time, what would it look like for a diverse group of people to praise God in a common way and agree that salvation belongs to Jesus? What would it look like for us to come together today in our diversity and in this unifying praise?

I think the more that I want is more heaven on earth. I want diverse unity.

Contact me for speaking, training, consulting, coaching or writing.

Dr. Jeanine Parolini, PhD, MBA, MA

Phone: 651-295-6044
Email: jparolini@gmail.com
Website: www.JeanineParolini.com
Social Media: linkedin.com/in/jeanineparolini or facebook.com/jeanine.parolini

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 6: Next steps

Thank you for taking the transformational servant leadership assessment. It is through assessing ourselves that we begin to know where to take our next steps.

Depending on your preference, go back to review the questions in the assessment or the integrated model in part four to determine the questions where you expressed your preference for either transformational or servant leadership. Notice where your strengths are for your preferred style. How are your strengths being expressed in your current place of work or service? Are there ways in which you can express those strengths even more? Now also consider, is there a person or team member who can support you in bringing in the other leadership style in what you do? What can you do to bring this person in to the mix to enhance the overall leadership dynamic toward transformational servant leadership?

For example, my preference in all five questions is toward transformational leadership. I am skilled in seeing the big picture, leading with vision and inspiration, and have people experience movement toward something with me. Yet I have to be watchful of getting too far ahead of the individuals on the team, pushing them too hard to move and align together, and expecting them to process and act too quickly. So I need those servant leaders on my team helping me to lead by paying attention to where each team member is at and providing that nuanced care for each person. I’ve learned from servant leaders to slow down, be patient, and to process more with individuals on the team so they can find their own connection to the overall vision and movement without feeling rushed or forced. If I rush or force them, they will lose touch with the direction at some point and momentum will break down.

Therefore, we can enhance our growth by being sure to engage our strengths, engaging people who have the other preference, and learning new skills from them that are not as natural for us. In this way, we engage more leaders in a collaborative movement together rather than trying to lead on our own, which can cause some type of imbalance in the team or organization. Leadership imbalances can eventually negatively impact organizational members and the overall organization. For further information, contact me at jparolini@gmail.com to set up a complimentary telephone call to discuss your coaching or consulting needs.

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 5: Assessing your style

In my quantitative research of over 400 leaders (Parolini, 2007), I found five items that distinguish between transformational and servant leadership. Assessing our individual leadership is primary and the first step. We need to understand our preference towards one or the other to then know how to work with other leaders and balance out both styles in our overall leadership. Please watch this nine minute video to assess your preference for either transformation or servant leadership to support you as you integrate transformational servant leadership into your own leadership style, team, community or organization.

Transformational servant leadership assessment link: https://youtu.be/C8Dp71QZTl4

Questions for interaction:

Is your preference for transformational or servant leadership? How do you see your preference play out in your current role? What are the strengths and weaknesses of your style? How can the other style help to balance out your style? What additional questions or comments do you have?

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 4: Integration

Transformational servant leadership describes the integration of both transformational (vision) and servant (care) leadership styles to meet the needs of both the organization and the individual members, to attend to both serving and leading others, to balance loyalty between both the organization and organizational members, to influence through both service and traditional charisma/inspiration, and to offer both autonomy and interdependence to organizational members. Imagine the balance, collaboration, and health that would be possible in our organizations if we could manage both transformational and servant leadership. Figure 1 (Parolini, 2012) offers a visual representation of the integration of servant and transformational leadership into transformational servant leadership:

Figure 1. The Integrated Model of Transformational Servant Leadership (Parolini, 2012)

As we view this model, we can see that transformational servant leadership takes into account the key distinctions of both servant and transformational leadership theory to offer a combined model that balances the strengths and weaknesses of each one to improve organizational functioning. As leaders are able to manage the intentional uses of both styles through transformational servant leadership, it is proposed that individual and organizational health will improve and contribute to organizational success.

To takes steps toward integrating the two styles, I suggest you (1) assess your own leadership style preference (please go on to Part 5 to do that), (2) notice the use or nonexistence of transformational and servant leadership in different leadership environments, (3) reflect upon how the use and balance of transformational servant leadership could contribute positively to circumstances around you, and (4) look into reading my book and/or contacting me for coaching or training to develop your skill level.

Questions for interaction:

What is your response to this proposed model? How can you apply this in your leadership and/or organizational setting? What additional questions or comments do you have?

Next, read, watch and respond in Part 5 to assess your preference for either transformational or servant leadership to give you a view toward how to balance the two in your setting.