SEXI Video 3: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the E in SEXI

Dr. Jeanine Parolini continues to explain her SEXI model of Christian dating by discussing the E. She shares how to develop and assure there is an emotional connection to establish a healthy, safe, and trusting relationship, which goes beyond today’s surface and hook up relationships.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What do you need from your partner to feel emotionally connected and how will you go about assessing it with future dates?

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SEXI Video 2: Dr Jeanine Parolini on the S in SEXI

Dr. Jeanine Parolini explains the S in her SEXI model of Christian dating which represents developing a spiritual connection around a common set of values. The spiritual aspect of a relationship impacts all areas of the relationship. At the heart level, most human beings want to feel safety and trust in relationships which requires a level of common values and morals. This is needed to develop a real relationship. Yet our dating world has become completely the opposite with surface level relationships, deception and quick hook ups.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: How important is the spiritual aspect of a relationship to you, and how will you go about checking it out with future dates?

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SEXI Video 1: Dr Jeanine Parolini on SEXI Model Intro

Dr. Jeanine Parolini introduces her Christian dating model based upon her research that involves developing a real relationship inclusive of connecting spiritually, emotionally, with good communication and chemistry, and in common interests. Protect your heart from the pain of surface relationships and quick hook ups in order to develop a real relationship and true love.

Watch the Video Below

Question for reflection: What is your initial response to the SEXI model? How can it help you as you date?

Diverse Unity

The truth is that my life after Christ has been more segregated than my life before Christ. I was born in the inner-city of Chicago. My friends around me at the time were all ethnically diverse. I didn’t know any different. My family was forced out of our neighborhood and we went to live in an area of the city that was mostly white. In my childlikeness, I felt less safe in the new neighborhood than in my old one.

I want to get back to that childlikeness. I grew up interacting with all different types of people. When I became a Christian, something changed and I’ve found myself in mostly Caucasian churches, although I have ministered in ethnically diverse churches. I don’t understand how I got here.

I want more. I don’t want our differences to interfere with our unity. Can we have both?

Read Revelation 7:9-17. Every human heart needs to wrestle with this vision. What does it mean to be different yet be unified?

Can we learn more about one another’s nations, tribes, people groups, and languages now before we get to heaven? We need to notice skin color, accent, and one another’s unique features and celebrate them. It seems that heaven acknowledges these uniqueness. What would it take for us to celebrate and be curious about them?

In the midst of our differences, can we still bond around our similarities? In heaven, we are unified by our similar clothing, the waving of palm branches, and our identification with Christ in worship and redemption. We may need to save the wearing of white robes for heaven; in my present form, white is not my best color. At the same time, what would it look like for a diverse group of people to praise God in a common way and agree that salvation belongs to Jesus? What would it look like for us to come together today in our diversity and in this unifying praise?

I think the more that I want is more heaven on earth. I want diverse unity.

Contact me for speaking, training, consulting, coaching or writing.

Dr. Jeanine Parolini, PhD, MBA, MA

Phone: 651-295-6044
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Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 6: Next steps

Thank you for taking the transformational servant leadership assessment. It is through assessing ourselves that we begin to know where to take our next steps.

Depending on your preference, go back to review the questions in the assessment or the integrated model in part four to determine the questions where you expressed your preference for either transformational or servant leadership. Notice where your strengths are for your preferred style. How are your strengths being expressed in your current place of work or service? Are there ways in which you can express those strengths even more? Now also consider, is there a person or team member who can support you in bringing in the other leadership style in what you do? What can you do to bring this person in to the mix to enhance the overall leadership dynamic toward transformational servant leadership?

For example, my preference in all five questions is toward transformational leadership. I am skilled in seeing the big picture, leading with vision and inspiration, and have people experience movement toward something with me. Yet I have to be watchful of getting too far ahead of the individuals on the team, pushing them too hard to move and align together, and expecting them to process and act too quickly. So I need those servant leaders on my team helping me to lead by paying attention to where each team member is at and providing that nuanced care for each person. I’ve learned from servant leaders to slow down, be patient, and to process more with individuals on the team so they can find their own connection to the overall vision and movement without feeling rushed or forced. If I rush or force them, they will lose touch with the direction at some point and momentum will break down.

Therefore, we can enhance our growth by being sure to engage our strengths, engaging people who have the other preference, and learning new skills from them that are not as natural for us. In this way, we engage more leaders in a collaborative movement together rather than trying to lead on our own, which can cause some type of imbalance in the team or organization. Leadership imbalances can eventually negatively impact organizational members and the overall organization. For further information, contact me at to set up a complimentary telephone call to discuss your coaching or consulting needs.

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 5: Assessing your style

In my quantitative research of over 400 leaders (Parolini, 2007), I found five items that distinguish between transformational and servant leadership. Assessing our individual leadership is primary and the first step. We need to understand our preference towards one or the other to then know how to work with other leaders and balance out both styles in our overall leadership. Please watch this nine minute video to assess your preference for either transformation or servant leadership to support you as you integrate transformational servant leadership into your own leadership style, team, community or organization.

Transformational servant leadership assessment link:

Questions for interaction:

Is your preference for transformational or servant leadership? How do you see your preference play out in your current role? What are the strengths and weaknesses of your style? How can the other style help to balance out your style? What additional questions or comments do you have?

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 4: Integration

Transformational servant leadership describes the integration of both transformational (vision) and servant (care) leadership styles to meet the needs of both the organization and the individual members, to attend to both serving and leading others, to balance loyalty between both the organization and organizational members, to influence through both service and traditional charisma/inspiration, and to offer both autonomy and interdependence to organizational members. Imagine the balance, collaboration, and health that would be possible in our organizations if we could manage both transformational and servant leadership. Figure 1 (Parolini, 2012) offers a visual representation of the integration of servant and transformational leadership into transformational servant leadership:

Figure 1. The Integrated Model of Transformational Servant Leadership (Parolini, 2012)

As we view this model, we can see that transformational servant leadership takes into account the key distinctions of both servant and transformational leadership theory to offer a combined model that balances the strengths and weaknesses of each one to improve organizational functioning. As leaders are able to manage the intentional uses of both styles through transformational servant leadership, it is proposed that individual and organizational health will improve and contribute to organizational success.

To takes steps toward integrating the two styles, I suggest you (1) assess your own leadership style preference (please go on to Part 5 to do that), (2) notice the use or nonexistence of transformational and servant leadership in different leadership environments, (3) reflect upon how the use and balance of transformational servant leadership could contribute positively to circumstances around you, and (4) look into reading my book and/or contacting me for coaching or training to develop your skill level.

Questions for interaction:

What is your response to this proposed model? How can you apply this in your leadership and/or organizational setting? What additional questions or comments do you have?

Next, read, watch and respond in Part 5 to assess your preference for either transformational or servant leadership to give you a view toward how to balance the two in your setting.

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 3 Examples from experiences of transformational and servant leadership integrating well together

Next let’s consider two real life examples of organizations that had the presence of both transformational and servant leadership, and were integrating the use of both styles into the life of the organization.

In one organization, the CEO was a servant leader primarily yet showed a strong value for transformational leadership. This organization weathered the storms of a struggling economy even in the midst of great hits to their industry. Because of this servant leader CEO, this organization offered a warm, friendly, and supportive climate. Thus, employees tended to remain with this organization until retirement. At the same time, the CEO realized the lack of and need for vision, and therefore brought in support from the outside to help the executive team innovate, create, and cast an improved vision. The CEO’s appreciation for transformational leadership, awareness of the impact of its lacking within the organization, and willingness to get help to bring transformational leadership into the organization helped this organization to survive turbulent times.

The second organization was also experiencing chaotic times due to the economy as well as a recent succession. The original leader was a transformational leader yet the organization saw the need to bring balance into the culture by introducing a servant leader into it. The servant leader successor saw the need for transformational leadership to continue, especially in the midst of the great need for a new vision. Therefore the servant leader successor put together a team with both transformational and servant leadership skills. This team worked on recreating the organization. This servant leader played a significant role as a calming presence in the midst of turbulent times as well as during a time when organizational renewal was on the horizon.

Questions for interaction:

Have you experienced a leader or organization that was able to balance both transformational and servant leadership? If so, what was it like? If not, as you read the examples, what struck you about the balance and why? What additional insights do you have to share?

Next, read and respond to Part 4 to begin to see how to integrate the two styles in your leadership or organizational setting.

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 2: Examples from experiences of transformational and servant leadership not integrating well

Consider these three real life examples from my experiences and observations with transformational and servant leaders not “playing” or integrating well together. It creates some type of extreme imbalance within an organization when this dynamic takes place. See if you can relate to any of these examples in your own places of work or service.

The first example is of an organization where transformational leadership was the primary style of the original leader. Therefore, this leader provided strong vision and direction for the organization that contributed to organizational success and a strong reputation. At the same time, the accepted leadership of the organization was so bent in the direction of transformational leadership that organizational members suffered from burnout and succession planning proved difficult. The organization lacked servant leadership which would have helped to pay attention to individual stress levels and a healthier rhythm of organizational life for organizational members. Over time, this transformational leader acquired so much individual power within the organization that it resulted in traumatic moral failure that harmed a large number of people within and outside of the organization.

The second example is of an organization where servant leadership was the primary style of the original leader and the successor. While care and concern for organizational members seemed to be in place, the organization lacked vision and direction. It was unclear to the members what the direction and values were of the organization. This dynamic created confusion and chaos within the organization and among its members. As the lack of vision and direction continued, a strong culture of infighting and competition developed within the organization. The lack of transformational leadership contributed to chaos, confusion, conflict, and rivalry within this organization.

In this next example, the Board of Directors represented transformational leadership in the organization by rallying for a compelling vision and direction for the organization. On the other hand, the CEO of the organization and his primary associate both represented servant leadership as a means of contributing to the lives of employees and the community served through the organization. Unfortunately, a conflict avoidance culture existed in this organization which contributed to the sense that one perspective had to be right while the other was wrong. It seemed the perspective of the Board of Directors won in this situation and the environment valued transformational leadership over servant leadership. Tactics such as force, bullying, and inappropriate uses of power were utilized to compel others to “move forward” with the vision while motivation was low. The lack of integrated transformational and servant leadership caused a power struggle which led the organization to remain stuck for a many years.

Questions for interaction:

What has your experience been with an imbalance of these two leadership styles? What is it in these examples that you can relate to from your own experience? What additional insights do you have to share?

Next, read and respond to Part 3 to reflect upon examples of leaders that balance the two styles.

Transformational Servant Leadership – Part 1: Introduction

More than ever leaders are under intense scrutiny and pressure to bring their organizations to a level of innovation and performance within this challenging global economy and marketplace. In responding to the burdens on leaders and organizations, there is a growing need for models of leadership with more than one leader at the helm. This post introduces transformational servant leadership that blends two well recognized styles of leaders to meet today’s demands for leadership.

In working with thousands of leaders in hundreds of organizations, I’m finding that healthy and innovative leaders balance two things: vision and care. Transformational servant leadership does both. These leaders “cast a collaborative moral vision while actively caring for those participating in moving the vision to reality” (Parolini, 2012). These leaders don’t zoom ahead while leaving others in their wake. They understand this really doesn’t accomplish any kind of consistent movement at all. They also don’t serve an end goal of solely caring for people without spurring the team on to greater accomplishments. There is a balance with transformational servant leaders between moving ahead and nurturing the people who are bringing about the movement.

Questions for interaction:

Have you experienced a leader who you felt both spurred you on to a greater vision and cared for you along the way, truly cared? Or have you experienced a leader who is good at one yet not so good at the other (example: had a great vision yet little concern for people or had great concern for people yet little overall direction)? What has your experience been like?

Next, read and respond to Part 2 to take this concept deeper by looking at real life examples.